well my morning started off great felt clearer headed and managed to tidy up a bit put on a wash. then took my morning meds and feel heady again really hope this passes. need to start eating better too ! really considering leaving uni iv never been able to stick at a job and im not sure i can study on these meds. how o you all find work iv applied for a disability benefit until i feel well on my meds. my job was zero hour contract which was good for me work when i can although some days i had to call o the day as i couldn’t work then my boss got annoyed. i also cant drive anymore . how do you all hold down jobs on these meds ?

im shouting at my girls and being irritable I really cant help it. Iv blamed my husband over there teeth as I feel they need to brush for longer before I knew it I blew and couldn’t help myself. my daughter then said i make her feel bad iv come downstairs and i feel so down its coming again ! todays been really hard as i cant shake this tiredness an hour after morning dose my hands and feet wernt moving properly just wanted to sleep . but i started pottering about then i blew. time for my evening meds now god ! i feel i don’t deserve my kids and theyl be better off without me. things have got sobad this last few months before i could control myself a bit better but since diagnosis not sure if its because i finally know whats wrong that’s made me snappier to the point i cant hold it in, or weather after all these years its just snapped and now its recognised im looking for it more ?. i was nowhere near as bad when my girls were younger. they defo do not deserve having to walk on egg shells i really upset my younger 1 and there such good girls .i do not want to get used to sitting around all day its not me unless im having an episode. but i nearly fell down the stairs as i felt wabbly on my feet . my god i don’t know how i feel anymore ! is this really my feelings or is it my illness !

nothing makes sense

im sitting at university at my computer and i cant seem to concentrate at all . I have made loads of mistakes and am currently stressing i thought i was finished an it turns out its all wrong i feel myself currently trying to smile when i want to scream !! i just feel i cant do it and im losing the ability to make sense and logic of anything before losing it

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new day

well im starting to try to do a bit every day. I managed to take my daughter to her dance and get a roast on the go . I feel like im slowly coming back after couple of  weeks or so. I also had a run and showered and washed my hair. I have taken my tablet and watching a few soaps before the tiredness creeps in. I feel a bit more relaxed tonight.

just taking it bit by bit. I am also taking my girls to school for the first time in weeks and then im going straight to uni

night night

 

jelousy

im getting over a depressive spell. I was vile to him on Friday but we made up last night . its my birthday next week and he took the girls out to give me space as im soo tired. he left at 12 and 1.30 I decided to get washed and dressed and did a little bit of house work as he been doing everything. He and my children come home he treated them to lunch out and even got them a treat at there favourite shop. I go silent my daughters and husband ask whats wrong I say nothing I go and wash up so im out the way. out of no where instead of being happy im distraught so angry as I want to be the one doing that I want to be the one they laugh with I just cant shift this depressive mood I just want to cry logic of course its great he can just get on with it and the girls dote on him I want to run away I  feel I cant look after anyone any more like my job is done. that framiliar guilt comes back I feel since iv been on these meds im weaker .

I feel bad for feeling like this I know I should be grateful but in truth im bitter I cant be the fun one yet !

does anyone else ever feel like that ??

Everything is unravelling

my kids now only call for my husband . I hate him we don’t have sex this is a problem to me ! I went out with uni and had wine I came home he was so angry I thought I could have a few more drinks at home and watch a movie but no he left me to drink on my own ! Shy the fuck did I come back ! He is currently being dad of the fuckin year playing games in other room . There all happy  I have a rage that is building